#JoyFilledWarrior

I am a #JoyFilledWarrior.

What does this mean to me?

This means that at the center of my being is a flame of Joy that cannot be extinguished.

This means that, even though I am heartbroken and filled with great sorrow, I will choose light over darkness.

This means that even when Rage courses through my very being, I will choose Kindness and Compassion.

This means: 

I will stand for what is right;

I will stand for what is good;

I will DO good;

I will DO what is right.

I am the reason darkness is afraid.

I am the reason fear trembles.

I am the reason hate flees.

Because I will stand outside of the fear.

Because I will shine the light of Love from every particle of my Being.

Because I will laugh at the naked Emperor.

Standing

November 9, 2016

This morning, I awoke to a world that was a little colder, a lot less kind, a lot less compassionate. Or at least my view of it changed. 

But...

I. Am. Still. Me.

At my core, I am still who I was yesterday. 

I've done a lot of soul searching to try and understand my place and responsibility in us being where we are today. Obviously I played a part, I am in this plane of existence, after all. 

And after contemplation, my core is still true to what I hold dear. I still really like who I am. 

Yes, I'm scared. Yes, I'm anxious. Yes, I'm worried.

But...

I. Am. Still. Me.

And I choose to stand. I choose to continue putting love, compassion, and kindness out to the world. I will not let fear dictate the words that I speak. I will not be terrorized into seeing others as threats to who I am. 

Yes, I am angry. Yes, I am heartbroken. 
And the world has enough vitriolic anger. 

So...

I will reach out to others.
I will hug others unreservedly.
I will smile without fear of what others will think of me.
I will love unconditionally.
I will stand.
I will dance.
I will drum.

If you need a healing hug, find me. 

If you need a dumb joke, contact me.

If you need to observe someone being goofy, watch for me. 

I will share joy.

I will stand.

Adversity

"In the face of adversity, we can't lose our courage, our humor, our decency." -Bobby Byars

I will stay courageous by choosing love, by protecting those who are TRULY persecuted & oppressed, and by being light in a dark time.

I will keep my sense of humor by laughing at things that are ridiculous and doing so loudly if the mood strikes me. I will also be willing to risk playing the Fool.

I will keep my decency by speaking my truth with kindness & compassion. I will listen to others with compassion and honestly try to understand them.

I will live fiercely.

I will love deeply.
I will Be.

I miss you, dad, and wonder what you would have said about this recent craziness.

Being Present

Sometimes you have to be right where you are;
not planning for future this or that;
not thinking about "if only I had...".

Right where you are.

That means experiencing pain. That means laughing embarrassingly louder than you meant to.

That means telling the people you're with exactly how much you love them.

That means taking the risk of failing, the risk of your heart breaking, the risk of experiencing more Beauty than you thought possible.

That means acknowledging you may need to ask for help, that you're not as strong as you think, that you may be stronger than you realized.

You may not know all of the answers. Hell, you may not even know what the damned question is.

And...

Being present means that you stand with what you DO know NOW; you stand with what you HOPE for, DREAM about, PLAN for.

You stand with all of those things and just hold them. You don't open those boxes of hopes, dreams, plans, but you know they are there. You know they may adjust and that you will have to add the adjustments to the pieces that are already held.

And you just stand.

Because one part of the hope is the hope that you have done as much as you could, more than what was asked for, given beyond what was expected...and...

You know you have done your best and you hope it is enough.

You remember your past dreams and gently wrap them around yourself. You contemplate those old threads, almost not recognizing them. You know you will weave new dreams from the unraveled threads of the old and you stand.

Right now.

Being present.

Contemplation of Blessings

This morning, while re-reading various emails to make sure I've checked things off of my list, I began reflecting on the practice by Rand Jenkins to put "Mahalo" at the end of his emails. And so, to start this reflection, I want to say aloha and mahalo to him for giving me a trigger to contemplate!

In reflecting the power of our words, the power of blessings and cursings that can be birthed by what we speak, the power of being connected to others, I realized “Mahalo” is so much bigger than just a “thank you” and “aloha” so much more than hello/goodbye/love. They are an acknowledgement of connection, of truly seeing another, of centered power.

I decided to dig a little bit online and see what Google-verse had to say. One of the pieces I read was the invocation of the divine (aloha) and giving of blessing (mahalo). Another had a question of “what do you say in response to ‘Mahalo’?” 

This made me realize that connecting more fully with the intent of the words is incredibly important. If/when someone says “mahalo” to me (it doesn’t happen all the time, but hey…I’ll be prepared!) if I hear and receive it as a blessing and acknowledgement of appreciation, I can respond with my own blessing of “mahalo” or even “aloha”.

In essence, it is also the center spark that is “Namaste”. It is the “Beauty Way”. It is the “Way of the Peaceful Warrior”. It is “Woman’s Way Red Lodge”. It is any and all of the philosophies of interconnectedness that connects us all to a common center.

So, I could also respond with any other wording that expresses my gratitude for their Be-ing and connecting with me.

And with that thought in mind, to anyone reading/sharing/connecting/contemplating this I say, “Blessings and thank you. Love and light to you. Aloha and Mahalo.”

Websites visited during this contemplation:

http://www.oocities.org/~olelo/shelties/mahalo-aloha.html

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mahalo

https://www.tripadvisor.com/ShowTopic-g28932-i36-k4968882-What_does_one_say_in_response_to_mahalo-Hawaii.html

Turning Points

We all have times in our lives that we can look back on, point to and say, “At that exact moment, my life changed.” My first one happened here in Flagstaff…at the Community Hospital on January 7, 1972 at 4:52 in the morning. (That makes me 44 years, 2 months, and 27 days old for those of you trying to do math while still listening to me…)

No, I don’t remember that instance, but it was definitely a life changing experience! I have to breathe on my own? What the heck?! Lights? Noise?! AAAaaaaiiiiiIII!!!

Then there are the times that we (or others around us) build up in such a way that we think they SHOULD be life changing events.

One of these, for me, was graduating high school (and to some extent, college). Big momentous occasion…and then life keeps doing exactly what it had been doing.

Then, there are the times when an entire year feels like it’s just one giant turning point. 2012 was that for me.

You know the assessments that you can take to see how much stress you have in your life and if you might be at risk for a heart attack? There is an entire spectrum of stressors that fill that assessment: you stubbed your toe sometime in the last week: 1 point; your cat puked on the rug: 1 point; the rug was an expensive gift from your favorite aunt Trudy: 2 points; aunt Trudy said your part of the will was dependent on you taking good care of the rug: 3 points; you realized you don’t have a cat: 4 points.

Then, the list continues with the serious stressors. This list includes job changes, living situation changes, relationship changes, major milestones, etc. This category states that if you have ONE of these in your life, you should probably have a serious discussion with your doctor and get a prescription of valium.

In 2012, I had SIX-AND-A-HALF

January (7^th): I turned 40. Major milestone. And it was amazing. My husband of 8 years and my best friend coordinated a wonderful surprise party for me and it was truly beautiful.

June 20^th: My husband was getting ready to go out of town for 4 days with his brothers. I ask if we can talk before he leaves since we had some things to work out and we weren’t going to have a lot of time when he returned as I would be coming into tech week of a show. He tells me, “I think we need to go our separate ways.” Major relationship change. Did not see that one coming at all!

August 1^st: Moved to a new place. A long-time friend was also moving and it made sense for us to rent an apartment together. Major living situation change.

October 5^th: Started dating my roommate…You live in the same space with someone, and see them day-in/day-out, you learn about each other. You realize that you really do enjoy spending time together, you decide to go on a date, or two or three or fall in love, decide to get married… In any case…ANOTHER major relationship change.

November 2^nd: I have a mild case of shingles. This is the “half” as it was “only” on my right cheek (of my face) and I didn’t have the extensive case that other people have…but a major medical condition.

November 5^th: My dad has a massive aneurism, rushed to Flagstaff Medical Center, is in a coma for 3 days and dies on November 8^th. He was only 62-years old. Not really something that was expected. Death of a parent.

December 12^th: I got hired for a new job and scheduled to start January 7, 2013.

And that was my 2012.

So of course my brain keeps trying to find the pattern, trying to “solve” the riddle (not even sure what the riddle is, but maybe if I can find the answer to it I can know the riddle…) and I realize I know a time right before 2012 that I can point to and say, “THAT is when my life changed.”

Thanksgiving 2011. It was an odd numbered year, so that was my in-laws’ Family Thanksgiving year (even years are Christmas years). We were at the family house in Mesa, AZ. It was the day after Thanksgiving and my brother-in-law, Vicente, and I decided to go on a run. The house is along one of the canals, so we ran down the canal road, crossed a street, continued on the canal road, came to another street, ran along it a short ways, turned along another canal road. We were laughing and talking, I had my BlackBerry in my pocket to track the distance and see a map of where we went, my pony tail was flipping along my shoulders…when I felt a sharp pain in my left shoulder.

I looked at my shoulder and saw a bee. I was pretty sure I was allergic to bees. I had been stung 2 other times in my life (once when I was 4 and another time when I was 21…my leg swelled up to twice its normal size on that one!) And I’d heard that the more times you are stung in your life the more reaction you are likely to have. So, this was going to be a doozy.

I turned to my Vicente and said, “I think I just got stung by a…” <bzzzzzzzz> Angry buzzing filled the air and we were swarmed. The bees flying all around us, stinging us. He screams, “I’m allergic to bees!” and goes tearing off along the road.

Now, evidently, if I had bolted like he did, I wouldn’t have been nearly as bad off as I was. If you can run 5 mph for a mile, you can outrun bees—they only fly 4.5 mph. And they will follow you, so you have to run at least a mile. But I didn’t know that at the time.

So, now I’m being stung multiple times and the bees are still swarming all around me. My brain went into list-making crisis mode. I think, “This is my third time being stung. If I have a severe allergic reaction, I could go into anaphylactic shock and die. How are my lungs feeling? Is there any swelling in my mouth or nose? No. Ok. I’ll need to keep track of that. And it would probably be best if I keep my heart rate regular so it’s not pumping the venom throughout my system and speeding up any allergic reaction. Oh, look. There’s Vicente’s glasses. He’s more blind than I am and HAS to wear his glasses…I should grab them…” and turned around, ran back towards the bees, picked up his glasses and kept running.  At one point, I thought about jumping into the canal. But where we were along the canal neither major roadway could be seen which means if we passed out, no one would see our bodies for hours. And if I jumped in the canal, I could go into anaphylactic shock and drown and still not have anyone see me to help. So, I kept running.      

I kept a steady pace and worked on keeping my breathing very regular and measured. And I realized that someone should be told where we were so we could receive medical attention. I pulled out my blackberry, called my husband, “Hi. We are being attacked by bees an since we’re both allergic, we probably need someone to pick us up.” It took some amount of time to get us all connected up because I had to figure out where we were and since I didn’t know the area I couldn’t give street names. And finally found Vicente at a landmark we could all identify. “We’re outside the gate at the Park of the Canals.”

Back at the house, my sister-in-law was ready for us. She’s an emergency room physician and several months before had attended a CME on infections stings and bites, so knew the most up-to-date protocol for dealing with my situation. And, just so you know, you’re not supposed to pull out bee stings with tweezers as that will squeeze more venom into you. You’re supposed to use a credit card or driver’s license to scrape/flick them out. When it was all said and done, I had been stung 50 times on my scalp, neck, shoulders, and upper back. I got Benadryl into me followed with a dose of prednisone. My brother-in-law only had a 3 stings and was fine.

The bee attack was not the CAUSE of the crazy 2012, but up to that point, life had just been moving along fairly smoothly. After that…well, you know about that.

But, what do these turning points mean?

I look at these points and can get entirely overwhelmed with trying to figure out the why. Especially when I look at them all lined up. But when I start to look at them as converging points of connections—to other people, to Mother Nature, to the Universe—they become vertices and a part of a Pattern that is a mandala that is my Life. Ah! And then I contemplate the fact that if I follow the connections to other converging points, I have the privilege of seeing, and interacting with, other Life Mandalas. Existence is much more than the “Circle of Life”. It’s an interweaving, an entwining, a tangling…It is a convergence of lines of divergence. It is paradox. It is chaos. It’s a fractal of which we are all microcosms.

Today, we are all a part of this particular vertex. And I challenge you—I challenge myself—to become more consciously aware of the connections; more willing to purposely deepen and darken the connection lines in some of the places. Because when we do that, we are becoming active participants in the Pattern building instead of mindless automatons walking some random path that we are only faintly aware of. We get to be creators of our own Life Mandalas. We step outside of ourselves and can see ourselves more clearly. And then we step back to our own center and can more clearly see others. And we are all “Other” and we are all “Self”.

Thank you for being a part of my Life Mandala today. Thank you for letting me be a part of yours. Thank you for being a part of this Turning Point.

Season of MORE!: Water

Today: MORE WATER!
"As babies we are approximately 75 to 80% water and as we grow older this percentage decreases until the percentage is reduced to approximately 60 to 65% for men and 50 to 60% for women. The human brain is about 85% water and our bones are between 10 to 15% water." (http://www.chemcraft.net/wbody.html)

We all know this (or some statistic that is fairly close to this). And we all know we need to stay hydrated for various and sundry reasons. So, I'm not going to go on about that.
Instead, I encourage you to re-experience water. Be aware of it in your everyday life. Take time to walk next to a body of water. Soak in a tub. Savor it when you drink it.
We all have done (or read about or heard of...) the mindfulness exercise where you eat one raisin and over-experience it. (One version of the exercise is here: http://hfhc.ext.wvu.edu/r/download/114469).
Try this same exercise with water. Or try being "in the moment" the next time you take a sip of water. (It's like a 5-second vacation, btw...) It's as if you can feel each individual molecule and is such a great experience of gratitude for Water that is the essence of US (vs. the essence of wetness....)
Yay, WATER!

Season of MORE! 2016: Compassion vs. Kindness

We're always told to be kind.

I say we should not be kind. Well, we shouldn't be ONLY kind.

We should also be COMPASSIONATE.

Kindness is just being nice.

Compassion, on the other hand, means that we empathize and feel for those that we are being kind to. Another way of thinking about it is "being kind WITH". (I know, I know...I shouldn't end a sentence with a proposition, but...)

Compassion is risky, though. We have to step outside of our own little safe, secure, well-known self-contained views of the world and risk changing who we are. Because that happens. When we see things from the perspective of another, we stop seeing it just our way. We expand our view to include another. It may not be one we like or agree with, but we at least know what the view is and can choose which one we are going to look from.

So...

Be courageous. Be willing to look from a place other than your own little-head-space. Be willing to see others through their own eyes.

And be more than kind. Be compassionate.

Season of MORE! 2016-Posts

Compilation of posts that I posted on FaceBook. -gmb




2/14/16:
Today: MORE MUPPETS! Nothing else needs to be said. https://youtu.be/tgbNymZ7vqY


2/13/16:
Today: MORE LAUGHTER!
Yesterday I walked past the kid's bathroom. The door was wide open, 9-yr old sister was sitting on the toilet. 7-yr old brother was standing almost knee-to-knee with her talking a mile-a-minute.
Me: Hey. Let your sister pee in peace.
7-year old, gesturing emphatically: I'm in LINE.
Me: Well, wait in LINE in the hallway, goofball!
We've all been cracking up at that one for the last two days.

Laughter makes us breathe again. Sometimes that's all we need to change our day.

Love & Laughter to you today!



2/12/16:
Today: MORE! LOVE!
True love doesn't define us. True love amplifies is. -Scott Godwin​.

What do you love so much that it amplifies the very essence of your being? Share that love with others!


2/11/16:
Today: MORE FUN! Check out this video. It looks like OK Go just had FUN making it! And the choreography & logistics that it took to make this happen...pretty incredible!  https://www.facebook.com/okgo/videos/10153210535420683/

Season of More! 2016: Joyous Surprise

My mornings consist of wrangling (sometimes literally...) 4 children into some semblance of readiness for school. We've gotten the lunch routine to take place in the evenings along with putting out clothes for the next day. 

But, that still leaves: waking up, actually putting the clothes on, figuring out what they want to eat for breakfast...eating breakfast, putting on socks & shoes, getting on coats, getting lunches from the fridge, Will you PLEASE put on your socks & shoes, making sure snow pants are in backpacks--unless you're wearing them, get your backpack, WHY HAVE YOU NOT PUT ON YOUR SHOES & SOCKS YET?, brushing hair, yes, you can go poop, but please hurry...we're getting in the car, backpackbackpackbackpackBACK.PACK!....Your shoes go on your FEET, not in your backpack...I have no idea where you put your homework...I told you to put it in your BACKPACK last night...

OK. Everyone's in the car? Leave your sister alone. Get in the car. Buckle up. Buckle up. BUCKLE! 

And then we jam out to Pink and get gum (if we've made it out of the driveway by the pre-appointed time) and get everyone to school and I pick up a coffee at the gas station (and often times a sleeve of those grossly awesome chocolate covered mini-donuts) and then on to work.

Today, Grandma Cheryl was coming over to take everyone to school. Everyone was at the table eating, their coats and backpacks were all laid out by the door ready for them,  and I said, "I'm going to go change my clothes." (It was 7:30a. and I was still in my pajamas.) So, I'm in my room changing. I hear the front door open and think, "Ah! Mom's here. Great." I'm only half listening for any exchange with her as we're still working on actually greeting someone when they come in the door. I get my clothes on and decide to put shoes on in the living room. 

I open my bedroom door. It's quiet in the front part of the house. 

A little TOO quiet.

I walk out. The 14-year old comes out of the bathroom and asks, "Where are the kids?"

I don't know. Their coats aren't there any more. Neither are their backpacks. The dishes are all still on the table, but they're empty. I look out the front window. They're not playing out front. And Grandma Cheryl's car isn't out there. I look in back. They're not there. 

A tiny sliver of panic tries to wiggle into my brain. 

No. They're probably over on the side of the house. 

I throw my shoes on and go outside. I don't hear them, but...the acoustics on the side of the house can make the noise not come around to the front door, right?

I go to the side. No one. 

The sliver starts to wedge solidly into my heart as I turn to go back into the house...

And see all four of them, grinning like the goofballs they are, sitting in the car, buckled with their shoes on, coats on, backpacks at their feet. 

They wanted to surprise me and had most solidly "got me". 

These kids! I love 'em.

Season of MORE! 2016

40 Days of MORE!

Today is the official kick-off day to Gina's Season of More 2016! What are you ready to move into or out of your life? What do you want to see more of in the coming year? What are you grateful for? Start gathering your thoughts together and don't miss this year's sharing!

This came about a few years ago when I jokingly said that for Lent I was going to give up Lent. (I've never really participated in Lent, having been raised Pentecostal, but...it was a statement that made me laugh!)

But, then I started thinking...We all give up a lot in our pursuit of ... whatever we are pursuing. And giving up something that brings us pleasure or brings us in alignment with the suffering of others ...well, it's not pleasurable and it definitely highlights suffering. So, what happens if we instead focus on things that we want to BRING IN to our lives? What if we emphasized and paid attention to the things that bring us joy and pleasure and love and peace?

Now, I'm not saying to ignore the suffering and plights of the World around us. I'm saying magnify and expand the things that can uplift others. By doing so, we change, metamorphosize and transmorgrify that which is around us. We become moving Be-ings of alchemy. We take the phrase "Be the change you wish to see in the world" up a notch.

So, I invite you to join me on this #WarriorWednesday and practice #JoyfulWarriorsInAction. Take a risk, smile at people you don't know! Savor that special piece of chocolate! Indulge your whimsy as you take a moment to look out the window and daydream during work (not too long, of course...) :)

40 Days of More.

What are you ready to move into or out of your life? What do you want to see more of in the coming year? What are you grateful for? Start gathering your thoughts together and don't miss this year's sharing!

Post once (or More!) a day:

• One thing you are grateful for and could use more of in your life.
• Something that you think is just beautiful.
• A funny thing that made you literally LOL.
• A thank you to someone who has touched your life to make it better.
• Your love for someone that you are thinking of.
• What moves you?!

Post on your own wall. Post on my wall. Post here in this group. Post on your refrigerator at home. Post SOMEWHERE you will see it and be reminded of the beauty that surrounds us.

Topics (Things I am contemplating and will most likely post a small something or 'nother about them*):
-More! My Personal Pursuit of Peace, Love, Joy, & Prosperity
-Personal Alchemy: Turning a Shi**y Day to Gold
-Giving & Receiving
-Gratefulness
-Are You My Mother? (or finding your place in your own world)

-Comment for a topic or idea that you would like to see me write about!

*Subject to change without notice!

I used to think I was just awkward...

I've always been a little awkward. I’m 5’7” tall. While that makes me an inch too short to be a runway model, it makes me taller than the “average woman” by 3-4 inches. It has been that way my entire life. I wasn’t ever the tallest girl in class, but I was definitely bigger than many of them.

Buying clothes was always difficult because of being tall and thin. I’d find jeans that fit my waist and they would be too short. I’d find ones that were long enough and they would fall off of me. I got really good at not really caring what my clothes were. (Or really good at acting like I didn’t care and eventually believing my own acting!)

In any case, being “bigger” than a lot of kids made me self-conscious and definitely awkward. Then came puberty. If I hadn’t felt awkward BEFORE then, it would have definitely kicked in then. My menstrual cycles began and they were anything but normal. My cycles were flipped: bleed for 20 days, then a week or so of not. There were periods of time that I had to wear a tampon and a pad just to keep from bleeding out. And Junior High bathrooms are not the most conducive places for feeling comfortable about yourself when you’re losing blood and need to dispose of something in a discreet manner. 

I was raised in a church culture that preached that a woman’s cycles and cramps and bleeding and pain during childbirth were all because of her disobedience to God. And it was a woman’s fault that we were all kicked out of the Garden of Eden. Great. Add shame to the awkward puberty bloodiness.

Then…there were the social interactions. I experienced my first REAL crush: heart palpitations, sweaty palms, flushed skin…that boy made my heart skip! Jeez…One more addition: crushes, shame, awkward puberty. Blood. Just wait. It gets more awkward, because there are more social interactions! 

Hanging out with the other girls…the petite, perfect hair, well applied makeup, fashiony-fashion, perky girls…I just felt like a lanky, dorky dork. Being taller than a lot of the girls, not that great at figuring out fashion and the general dorkiness of being made me feel…awkward. I would get all tongue tied and feel like a lumbering oaf much of the time. I thought I was hilarious and had some funny things to share, but feeling like a lout definitely kept most of my comments to myself.

Needless to say…I was glad when I graduated and went to college. 

College for me was not a hot-bed of experimentation and exploration. Well, not completely. Refer back to the how I was raised. Instead of experimenting, I got married. And then I met another man that I fell in love with. Shit. I didn’t even know I had the capacity to love two people at the same time in the same way. Definitely. Awkward. Especially not being able to talk to one about the other.

Jump ahead several years. The affair was over. So was the marriage. I had a couple of boyfriends since then. I had tried to share some of the fantasies that were in my head with them, in particular that I wondered what it would be like to be with a woman. One boyfriend just didn’t seem to comprehend that. Uh…what do you say when your lover looks at you as if you’re just a tad delusional? Again…awkward.

Then, I went on a swing cruise. A swing DANCE, cruise. Not a swingers cruise. But the funny part about that…there were three of us who met at that cruise and who stayed in contact after the cruise. And, well, one thing led to another and we decided we should have a threesome. Now, here’s a tip to lower the level of awkwardness for the first time on something like this: make some things a game. For instance, we made a rule that whenever we came into the apartment, the last one out of their clothes was a rotten egg. It made the awkwardness of getting undressed around 2 mostly acquaintances less so.

In any case…it was fun, it was fulfilling, it was exciting and alluring and heart pounding and laughter filled and really the best first experience that could have been had. 

So, there I am, in the middle of making out with two other people, and I think, "Oh. I’m attracted to women, too. Duh. I guess that means I’m bi-sexual. OK." 

Oh. Oh! OOOoohh! High school suddenly made WAY more sense. When I had physical reactions to males, I understood it was because I liked them, had a crush on them. When I had those same reactions to females, I just chalked it up to my own general goofiness and insecurities. It hadn’t even crossed my mind that there could be such a possibility. My body knew even if my brain didn't. I had physiological reactions to PEOPLE. I was attracted to people.

So, jump ahead several more years and I’m sharing my awkward story here. What’s the point of it all? At the very least, I can reflect on what I’ve learned about being me.

From my awkwardness, I learned to be myself in uncomfortable situations. I learned to be comfortable enough with myself to be able to help others feel less awkward themselves. I learned to be willing to take a risk, to look a fool and truly embrace who I am. I learned about my capacity to give and receive love. 

I’ve learned that Who I am is not dictated by who I am Attracted to. Who I am attracted to is not necessarily an indicator of who I fall in love with. And Who I love is not bound by the edicts and guidelines that tie me to the past.  

And while I used to think I was just awkward, I’ve learned that I’m just me.