Where am I?

From a letter to Helen about how I'm doing...

Yes.  I'm doing a lot of meditation and trying to stay grounded yet still reaching to the sky.  

There are days that I just want to curl up and stay in bed.  There are days that I don't want to talk to anyone.  There are days when I really wish I could just say, "Fuck it," and run away to...well, somewhere different.

I was thinking this morning and wondering why some people are able to not see their responsibility in ANY situation (not their fault, just the part they play in in) and why some people become impaired by stress/distress, and why some just can't seem to function no matter what.  :)  

I am working very hard at being mindful in all that I do.  I am not doing as much exercise as I want/should, but...it is what it is.  (I actually am getting to where I absolutely loath that statement! ha!)

I switched to a naturopathic doctor a couple of days ago, since I think I'm hitting periomenopause (or at least approaching it) and I want to be proactive to change and want to do more than just hormone replacement.  She's going to start me on low-dose progesterone as a small start.  She's checking adrenals to see what stress-levels my body is running on and she's willing to work with me on ways to anticipate and adjust my body's needs vs. always just messing with symptoms.  

Blech.  So.  There's the semi-short version of me dealing with my own PTSD.  Haha! (You should hear the LONG version...)  :)

WuChiKu Reflections 8.24.13

Reflection of this week's WuChiKu class

From George Breed: There are 5 actions/motion of WuChiKu
-Away
-Towards
-Against
-With
-As

The goal is to move As while keeping our own center of being.   The true state of moving As means being at our center of our universe (not The Center, but a center...) and allowing others to be at their center.  We can move our center to be concentrically aligned with others and allow others to be concentrically aligned with ours, this is the true act of Be-ing.  So, there is actually only 1 motion/action: the action of Be-ing. When we are truly Be-ing, we will move Away, Towards, Against, With or As as the circumstance needs, expanding and contracting our own sphere as the situation calls.

8.29.13
Waking contemplation on the motion of Be-ing...

I think there is also moving Without.  This is motion of absence; absence of another, absence of oneself, absence of consciousness, absence of thought.  But not necessarily absence of Be-ing.  It is motion that is independent of other energy.  It is motion that can be outside time and space.  It is motion of survival.  It is motion of refuge.  It is motion of contemplation.  It is motion of Loss.  It is motion of seclusion.  ...or is this still the motion of With?  And one would be moving With Out?  Who/What is "out"?

reaction to the recent rapes & subsequent capture of the suspect in Flagstaff

08.16.13

Thoughts and Ponderings: Rape, Victims, & Suspects

1. Rape is evil.
2. People should feel safe wherever they are.
3. NO ONE “deserves” or “is asking” to be raped.  Ever.  No matter the clothes worn (or not); no matter the substances ingested (legal or illegal); no matter time, place, circumstance; no matter what.

I am angry that 3 rapes took place in my home town.  I am angry that it took a 3rd one for the town to be actively searching for the perpetrator.  I am heartbroken for the people whose lives have been irretrievably changed.  And I am disturbed.

I am disturbed by the rancor and vitriol that is being spoken.  Not because of the anger.  There is every reason to be angry.  But, I’m uneasy because it holds an overtone of Rage.  With a capitol R.  With a scorching, intensely roiling fire-bolt of destructive indignation.  I’m troubled because instead of this opening a place to truly address the illness that this is a symptom of, we are all rising up and saying, “KILL THE BEAST!”

I won’t say, “The rapist is a victim of society.”  No.  He’s responsible for his own actions.  He has to suffer the consequences.  He has to pay for his transgression.  But, the punishment has to be meted out without heat, without Rage, without righteous indignation.  In a fair manner.

“But, HE WASN’T FAIR TO THE WOMEN HE ATTACKED!” you scream.

And I agree.  He wasn’t.  But, who do WE want to be in the future?  Striking out with blind fury puts us in the same category as him.  We can’t change him, so we have to change ourselves.  Not to accept rape.  But to address the things that lead to rape.

Somewhere along the way, society failed him.  And we are a part of that society.  The fact that there’s even a HINT of invitation to rape because of clothing, actions, being in “the wrong place” shows there is sickness that needs to be dealt with.  Those comments should NEVER be thought (let alone voiced) when there is an attack on someone.

My heart is saddened for him.  I grieve for the little boy who ran around outside, maybe playing in the mud, maybe building forts, maybe counting stars at night.  Somewhere, he did not receive what he needed, so he felt justified to take.  And that, too, makes me sad.

Punish him.  Let him rot in jail.  Take his life, if that’s truly what is warranted.

But, do it in a way that does not plant the seeds of unforgiveness, maliciousness, and unkindness in our own hearts.  Do it with compassion (odd as that may sound).  Do it without emotion.  Do it as if we are doing it to ourselves.  Because as much as it infuriates us, he is a part of us, and we have to address it.  We have to figure out how to initiate change.  We have to discover ways to make the world a better place for our descendants.  

So, what will I do?  I will receive and give love.  I will not walk in fear.  I will fight against wrongdoings and stand up to bullies.  I will be aware.  I will appreciate beauty.  I will stand my ground against injustice.  I will speak kindness.  I will shed tears of sorrow and of joy.  I will keep learning to defend myself and encouraging others to do the same and working towards a day that it is no longer necessary.

And if someone ever harms one I love, do know there will be fury…but it won’t be blind.

Spring Reflections

Spring reflections
3.29.13

The long dark of winter time pulls us inside ourselves.
We hunker down--below the howling cold of the snowy storms--into the dim recesses of our inner core, conserving resources as we contemplate our harvest, awaiting the dawn of longer, warmer days and dream of spring rains and summer nights.

Spring comes and we begin to emerge.
Slowly shedding the layers that helped keep us warm, kept us safe.
The sun continues its climb into the northern sky, reaching warm tendrils
of new life into the soil, the sleeping plants, our own dream-dazzled state of being.

We stretch!
We exhale the air of our winter enclosures.
We inhale
the sparkling in-rush of new beginnings, fresh starts and expansiveness.
We stand on the still cold Earth,
turning our faces to the sun,
soaking the warmth into our very souls,
conduits of warmth and light and life,
gathering the sun's rays
and letting them seep from us to the gently waking mother Gaia,
feeling our heartbeats slowly attune to the drumming of her rhythms.

We stand,
feeling the dance gathering beneath our feet;
feeling Spring time opening all around us;
feeling the birth, the rebirth, the be-ing that is all around us, that is us.

I Contemplate: What do I want to harvest this season?  What are my Dreams?  What is my destiny?  What is inside of me that will help bring those things truly to fruition?  I Honor my insight.  I Honor my ME-ness.  I'll make my destiny mine!  I'll Be the Spring in my own circle of being.

My First Valentine

2.14.13

Valentine's Day always turns people's thoughts to hearts, flowers, candies and love.

We remember past heartbreaks.  We contemplate future loves.  We share our hearts with significant others.

This Valentine's Day, my mind pulled up and reminded me of my first love.

She was beautiful.  She took my breath away.  When I first laid eyes on her, I knew love and knew I would always do whatever I could to take care of her and protect her.

I wanted to hold her.  "She's heavy," said my mom.

"That's okay," I said, "I'm strong!"  I held out my arms and held my sweet baby sister in my arms.

I loved climbing into her crib to sleep next to her.  I'd turn on my little transister radio so we could fall asleep to music together.  When she would wake up crying in the night, I'd sing to her until she calmed down.  I was so proud when I was old enough to go to school and she and my mom would walk me there.  She didn't talk right away because I was always talking for her.  I loved "translating" for her and helping mom figure out what she needed.  She's always been my best friend.  We always got along great...unless one of us had a friend over...then we'd fight like cats and dogs.  It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized it was out of jealousy...I was afraid to lose her.

We built forts, played outside, played Barbies, made "haunted houses" to try and scare each other, played dumb games on long car trips to keep each other entertained, told dumb jokes to make each other laugh, sang stupid songs just because they were that silly, stayed up all night star-gazing and talking about anything and everything, shared clothes, for many years shared a bed then a bedroom, got in trouble together...

When we got into junior high and high school, we started going different directions.  We began having different interests.  We had different friends.  I still loved her so very much, but, I was distracted from her by school, church, crushes, life.

And yet, she's been there for me.  Through all the various relationships, through the heartaches, through the exciting times, through the frustrations.  She's never told me what I should do.  She always gave her opinions on things, but always trusted me to follow my heart and do what was right.

She inspires me to be the best I can be.  She motivates me to stand up, advocate, speak up for myself.  She prompts me to do the same for those that can't.  She is strong and doesn't take any nonsense and doesn't give any.  She means what she says.  She says what she sees.  She is my heart.  She is my love.  She is my sister and my best friend for all time.

I'm fiercely proud of her and would move mountains to help her.  I will fight for her.  I will stand beside her.  I'll have her back as surely as I know she has mine.  There's no one else I would rather have on my side.  I truly count it a privilege to have her in my life.

She always has been and always will be my first Valentine.

Ordered Chaos & What I'm "Into"

chaos order
order chaos
ordered chaos
chaotic order

structure

I change my pattern
to better fit the person I think you think you see.

The pattern swirls,
the chaos settles
and I become more me.

I breathe,
I am reborn,
I see the world around me
with new eyes.

I stand in awe
to be a part of the chaos,
a part of the order,
a part of me.

The other day I ran into the mother of a dear, long-time friend. 

I said, in my usual enthusiastic, embracing way, "Mrs. X!  So good to see you!  How are you?"

The first thing she said to me (literally, the first thing...) with what I assumed was concern, was "I know what you're into, Gina."  Not the first sentence I was expecting, and it took me a brief moment of confusion to try and catch up.  I thought she was offering condolences for the loss of my dad (the look that I thought was concern threw me).  Still on that track, I thought maybe I misheard her and thought maybe she meant, "I know what you're facing," and went with that.

"I don't think it's right.  I know what you're into," she repeated.  "You KNOW there's only ONE true way."  I, in a still slightly flabbergasted way, shrugged non-commitally, still not quite on the same page as she (in reflection...it felt very much like Kwai Chang Caine...hahaha!)  She continued forward, "You are in jeopardy of losing your very SOUL."

Finally.

I caught up.

What I'm "into".

Ah.

Without any rancor, bitterness, or defensiveness, and with absolute complete sincerity, stillness, and conviction I replied, "I'm okay with that."

There was a lifting.
I AM okay with that.
Because I know where I am.
I know who I am at this moment.
And I completely disagree with her.

But, arguing isn't going to make it any different.  Defending my position at this juncture isn't going to assuage her fear, her disapproval, her disappointment in me.

When I greet someone, it's with an open heart, open arms, a sharing of the joy, light, & beauty that I carry within me.  I am making an offering to the sacredness that I see in each person.  It is my gift that I readily share with others.  It is my tithe of my being paying tribute to the Universe. 

It's truly intriguing to me that the people who seem to reject that offering the most are some of the ones who say that they don't judge others because judgement is up to God; those who say they love everyone; those who desire to share the acceptance and "washing away of Sin by the Blood of JESUS".

 
And yet, as a group, they are some of the most unhappy people I know. 

I saw with much clarity that day.  I saw the fear.  I saw absolute terror.  I saw a being lost in an unknowing and unknown space of Universe.  She truly didn't see herself in the greatness that is existence.

So.

That made me pause to reflect.

What am I "into"?

I am into love.
I am into making the World a better place.
I am into helping others.
I am into honoring the Universe and the cycles we travel.
I am into communicating with others.
I am into seeing beauty.
I am into laughter.
I am into the uplift, the upswell, the lightness of being.
I am into letting you be you.
I am into science, math, and rational thought.
I am into art, culture, and ceremony.
I am into being me.
I am into being.
I am into.
I am.

To Mrs. X, I say thank you.  Thank you for holding a mirror up to me.  Thank you for causing me to reflect upon myself.  Thank you for being my teacher.  Thank you for being a part of the Universe contemplating itself.  Thank you for being you.  I meant, with all sincerity, that I appreciate your prayers, your concern, and your love.  I honor that and hold it very dear to my heart.

Another Year Older

A Brief History of Nearly Everything...that's happened in GinaMarie's life this past year

Last year, I turned 40.  It was a momentous occasion kicking off an interesting year.

My husband, Kevin, and my best friend, Sara, organized an amazing surprise party for me.  I've never had one before and this one was amazing.  It was such an honor to be honored by such wonderful family and friends.

I finished my first ever "Tough Mudder" (12 miles, 26 obstacles) with my best friend/sister Bobbie Byars & Reuban Stoller.

I directed Beauty & the Beast for FYT.

I went to the Spring "Drumming into the Seasons".

I helped facilitate a women's circle.

I had lunch with mom for Mother's Day.

I taught drama, swing dance, & P.E. at the Flagstaff Montessori Middle School.

I helped with the Catwalk for Cancer Care fundraising fashion show in Sedona.

I did a Muddy Princess run with Jennifer Vargas & Megan Becker.

I took my dad to breakfast for Father's Day.

I participated in an all night Summer Solstice drumming.

As I was getting ready to go to it, I had Kevin tell me he thought we should go our separate ways.

I helped set up & break down the Made in the Shade Beer Tasting Festival.

I was cast as Cat in the Hat in FYT's Seussical the Musical.

1 hour before final dress rehearsal for Seussical the Musical, I got a text message from Kevin telling me that he was moving out.

I found a great apartment with a friend and moved in with the help of some wonderful people.

I completed the Imogene Pass Run (or trudge rather briskly...in my case).

I did a week-long road trip through Colorado & Northern New Mexico and discovered I *really* love driving 65 mph with all of my windows down and music blaring, occasionally, and just the sound of the wind at other times.  And that I really like solitary road trips.  I still need to write up, in a coherant manner, the interesting coincidences, serendipitous happenings, and self-realizations that occured on that trip.

I coordinated an amazing Fantastic Voyage at FMC.

I helped get educational lecture series sponsored by Northern Arizona Healthcare going in 3 communities.

I spent many hours with my amazing friend and wonderful mentor, Dr. Joann W. Kealiinohomoku.

I went to the Autumnal Drumming.

I assistant directed FYT's Aladdin, making an AWESOME CAVE OF WONDERS with Magic Molly!

I had one of my neices over for a sleep over. Much fun was had!

I was cast in Lost in the Tropics.

I started playing the ukulele and was able to buy an amazing one from Chase Coleman.

I started dating my roommate.  We started a tradition of going to breakfast at the Crown Railroad Diner.  I discovered that I was falling in love with him.

I coordinated the Arty Bras Project with the help of the Cancer Centers of Northern Arizona and Vora Financial Services.

I paid off my car.

I went to a really fun Halloween party hosted by Megan Becker.

I got shingles.

My dad had a massive stroke and was in the hospital for 3 days.

I was with him when he died.

I helped plan & coordinate his memorial services (3 of them...)

I went to Thanksgiving at my aunty's house in Phoenix, my in-laws in Mesa, another aunty's in Anthem. (Yes, all on the same day!)

I went to a birthday party for a lady who turned 100 years old.

I met the 92-year-old mayor of Bisbee.

I helped look after my brother's children.

I got information on getting my children's story (Chanticleer, the Christmas Moose) published.

I got hired by SunSounds of Arizona.

I resigned my position as Community Liaison with NAH.

I went to an awesomely fun (and much needed) chili & carols Christmas party hosted by the Ryans.

I took my mom to one of the Children's Chorale Christmas concerts.

I attended midnight mass on Christmas Eve with a neighbor (not purposely, but we both happened to be walking to it separately and started talking while we were walking and attended together).

I went to Maryland for 5 days with Scott & Isaac and met some of their family.

I got pink-eye for the first time ever on the flight back to Arizona.

I got cast in another show with Canyon Moon Theater (Gun-Shy, opening on January 24th in Village of Oak Creek).

I started my new job as Station Manager of the Flagstaff branch of SunSounds.

I turned 41.

Holiday reflections

Isaac has a journal writing assignment where he has to write for 15 minutes.  I told him that when he is here, I will do the writing assignment at the same time.  Tonight's writing prompt was "write about your favorite part of your holiday break from the perspective of your front door".  Here's what I wrote.

Holidays are here again.  Once again, I have a new family living on one side of me.  

This year, this family has actually taken time to "deck the halls"...so to speak...since I don't really have a hall on either side of me.  It has been many years since I've been decked for the holidays.  

Lights twinkle, reflecting off the lightly tinkling chimes, aurifying the tones into peals of church bells.  Lights radiate in the snow, making the nuthatches and house sparrows glow with angelic light, transforming them from ordinary birds into tiny feathered cherubs of peace and joy. Lights sparkle, shining on the Christmas wreath hanging from the door hanger.

Laughter fills the air as snow fills the courtyard, making it a truly magical winter wonderland.  Carols drift through the falling stars. "Glory to god in the highest. And on Earth, peace, goodwill towards men..." 

And in my residence, love, joy, laughter, and fullness of hearts.