Ordered Chaos & What I'm "Into"

chaos order
order chaos
ordered chaos
chaotic order

structure

I change my pattern
to better fit the person I think you think you see.

The pattern swirls,
the chaos settles
and I become more me.

I breathe,
I am reborn,
I see the world around me
with new eyes.

I stand in awe
to be a part of the chaos,
a part of the order,
a part of me.

The other day I ran into the mother of a dear, long-time friend. 

I said, in my usual enthusiastic, embracing way, "Mrs. X!  So good to see you!  How are you?"

The first thing she said to me (literally, the first thing...) with what I assumed was concern, was "I know what you're into, Gina."  Not the first sentence I was expecting, and it took me a brief moment of confusion to try and catch up.  I thought she was offering condolences for the loss of my dad (the look that I thought was concern threw me).  Still on that track, I thought maybe I misheard her and thought maybe she meant, "I know what you're facing," and went with that.

"I don't think it's right.  I know what you're into," she repeated.  "You KNOW there's only ONE true way."  I, in a still slightly flabbergasted way, shrugged non-commitally, still not quite on the same page as she (in reflection...it felt very much like Kwai Chang Caine...hahaha!)  She continued forward, "You are in jeopardy of losing your very SOUL."

Finally.

I caught up.

What I'm "into".

Ah.

Without any rancor, bitterness, or defensiveness, and with absolute complete sincerity, stillness, and conviction I replied, "I'm okay with that."

There was a lifting.
I AM okay with that.
Because I know where I am.
I know who I am at this moment.
And I completely disagree with her.

But, arguing isn't going to make it any different.  Defending my position at this juncture isn't going to assuage her fear, her disapproval, her disappointment in me.

When I greet someone, it's with an open heart, open arms, a sharing of the joy, light, & beauty that I carry within me.  I am making an offering to the sacredness that I see in each person.  It is my gift that I readily share with others.  It is my tithe of my being paying tribute to the Universe. 

It's truly intriguing to me that the people who seem to reject that offering the most are some of the ones who say that they don't judge others because judgement is up to God; those who say they love everyone; those who desire to share the acceptance and "washing away of Sin by the Blood of JESUS".

 
And yet, as a group, they are some of the most unhappy people I know. 

I saw with much clarity that day.  I saw the fear.  I saw absolute terror.  I saw a being lost in an unknowing and unknown space of Universe.  She truly didn't see herself in the greatness that is existence.

So.

That made me pause to reflect.

What am I "into"?

I am into love.
I am into making the World a better place.
I am into helping others.
I am into honoring the Universe and the cycles we travel.
I am into communicating with others.
I am into seeing beauty.
I am into laughter.
I am into the uplift, the upswell, the lightness of being.
I am into letting you be you.
I am into science, math, and rational thought.
I am into art, culture, and ceremony.
I am into being me.
I am into being.
I am into.
I am.

To Mrs. X, I say thank you.  Thank you for holding a mirror up to me.  Thank you for causing me to reflect upon myself.  Thank you for being my teacher.  Thank you for being a part of the Universe contemplating itself.  Thank you for being you.  I meant, with all sincerity, that I appreciate your prayers, your concern, and your love.  I honor that and hold it very dear to my heart.

Running Ruminations: Warrior Reflections

What is a warrior?  We have the image of a defender protecting the innocent in righteous anger.  *I* say this is not the true image of a true warrior.  A true warrior is one who is dispassionately compassionate.

Aren't those two words at odds with each other?  To some extent, yes.  But, that's a part of what makes the warrior.  She is able to hold two opposing concepts in her head and let them be.  So, dispassionately compassionate.  What does that mean?

Compassion is defined as, "The deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it."  (http://www.thefreedictionary.com/compassion)

Dispassion is defined as, "Freedom from passion, bias, or emotion. Objective." (http://www.thefreedictionary.com/dispassion)

So being dispassionately compassionate means that she will show compassion in a way that is not emotionally charged.

That's not saying that there will be no emotion.  Because a warrior who is dispassionately compassionate can actually share the emotions of everyone around her.  And that's where the dispassion comes in.  She has to be able to differentiate between which is hers and what belongs to another.  Once she figures that out, she can then figure out if she is going to share the emotion with the person it belongs to or let it be.

It is a path that is full of oxymoronical paradoxes, but completely worth the journey.  *NOT* that the end result is worth it, but the JOURNEY.  But, that's a topic for another day.

Coming Out--Atheist Christian

12/22/11—Atheist Christian

I am a christian by upbringing, atheist by choice.

I was one of the militant religious who believed that it was my duty to make sure the entire world heard the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  For the most part, I did it out of truly wanting to help people.  I really believed that God would help people and change their lives.  And I saw it happen.  I saw people in dire situations “give their lives to God” and have peace and help in times of trouble. 

Yet, at the same time, I never asked God to “prove that He was real”.  And only recently, I realized it was because I was afraid that I wouldn’t get an answer.  Actually, I *knew* I wouldn’t get an answer. 

So, I’m having to re-evaluate my time as a Christian.  How much was based on fear?  How much was based on faith?  How much was just general naïveté?  How much was my need for connection with something outside of myself?

Since deciding that I’m an atheist, I’ve seen many in that circle who are rather militant about their atheism.  On one hand, I understand their desire to educate the entire world; to “convert” people to rationality.  I won’t be able to be one of them.  I chose to not be a Christian because I didn’t agree with the path of “it’s my job to save the world”.  AND because I find critical thinking, rationality and reasoning way more interesting and uplifting.  I’ll share my views with people who are interested, but I am not on a mission to change their thought patterns.  I’ll give my reasoning and encourage them to look beyond their own little pea brain, but, they will have to come to their own conclusions and convictions.  If they are wrong, irrational and foolish, I can’t control that.  All I can control and be responsible for is my own actions.

When I chose to be an atheist, I realized that THEN I could be “good for goodness sake”.  Not out of love of some unseen entity.  Not out of fear of hell-fire and eternal damnation.  Not out sense of duty or responsibility to a greater reward when I died.  I care for my fellow human beings, for my community, for the world we live in because I want to make a better world for the future.  I want those who come after me to be able to build upon what I have done (not have to tear it all down and start all over.) 

My parents are still Christians.  I don’t try and change their minds or convert them to my view of the world.  At first, I would debate with them about the existence of hell (that was what started my journey into atheism).  And try and get them to see how much better it was to know there wasn’t a hell!  There is no changing their mind.  So, when I took the final step into full-fledged atheism, I knew there would be no discussion with them.  But, I’m okay with that.  I don’t want to change who they are.  They are the two Christians in my life who have CONSISTANTLY lived what they preached: care for others less fortunate, love others, feed the hungry, house the indigent.  I will not insist that their surety of why they do what they do match mine.  They, in their way, are working to make the world a better place. 

Do I wish they would be able to put down the fear that I know is in the back of their mind?  Yes, of course I do.  But, I know that it would change their entire world view and I don’t know how they would handle that.  Imagine the “there’s no Santa” stories if the child believed it for 60+ years and THEN found out?  I will not be that life-shattering person.

Funny thing, to me…I never believed in Santa.  I was 3 and asked my mom if there was a Santa.  She replied, “What do you think?”  I replied, “I think those presents from Santa are from Grandma Lambert.”  She told me I was right and I never believed in Santa.  How is it that I believed in God for so long, though?

I do still think that everything in the universe is connected. 

Do I think there is a benevolent being that watches over us and cares about what happens in our lives?  No.  Do I think that there is a vengeful being that will punish anyone who doesn’t accept his way of continuing life & into the afterlife?  No.  Do I believe that people are gullible?  Yes.  Do I believe that people need some connection with community or “other” outside of themselves?  Yes. 

I do still think that everything in the universe is connected at some level.  I’ve seen too many “miracles” and healings to think that there is NOTHING anywhere. 

But I think there are rational reasons for those things and I look forward to the day they can be explained. 

I may never hear the explanations, but I still anticipate the day that we understand.