V-Day Ruminations

(Originally posted: February 14, 2006; http://www.myspace.com/azginamarie/blog/87709974 )

V-Day Ruminitions

Friends of mine were in this year's Vagina Monologues here in Flagstaff.  I tried to go see the show, but totally forgot that it sells out every year...so, I didn't get to see it!  So, I went and sat in the Zane Grey, drank a beer (then a Gila Monster...."It's orange vodka, cranberry vodka, some other vodka, and a splash of something else"...that's what I remember the bartender saying...it was good)  Anyway, I sat there contemplating life, and suddenly realized I had something to write but nothing to write on (and no pen).  I asked the bartender if he had paper.  He gave me some of the register tape and a pen.  I wrote on both sides of it and asked for a bit more.  I wrote on both sides of that one too!  I found it pretty funny!  ANYWAY!!!  Here's the thoughts that were going through my head as I contemplated vaginas.  ...

We always hear about the angry vaginas.  But, what about the happy ones?

I was molested when I was 4-ish-years old by a 12-year old neighbor boy.  And this was a full on penis touching me molestation (no penetration, though).  Was it violent.  Not at all.  Was I ashamed of it?  For many, many years.  I knew it was "wrong" (we were by a window to make sure we would see if/when someone came into the house & I was admonished to "not tell anybody".) 

For most of my life I felt somehow responsible for that time.  I felt guilty for the sexual awareness that the experience awoke in me.  I felt guilty that I never told anyone.  But, I'm not angry.  Neither is my vagina.  Maybe I was at one time.  I can't remember.  Instead, I've decided that it's a part of who I am--it's an experience that has shared in the shaping of my life.

Am I happy it happened.  Not at all.  Am I angry that my childhood innocence was taken?  Not really.  A little sad, but not angry.  I've made my own peace with that experience.  

Life is too precious to give away my power by being angry.  Yes, there is power in anger, but there is a much stronger and more enduring power in forgiveness.  I won't forget what happened.  But, neither will I wrap myself around it in guilt and fear.  Nor will I nurture it while it festers into an all-consuming seed of anger that would eventually blossom into an all out self-righteous hatred of sensuousness, sexuality, and passion.

I will strive to make a world where NO CHILD has to fear for her safety; for a world where mothers don't have to think twice about who their daughter is with; for a world where men and women don't view themselves as combatants striving for supremacy but as caretakers of each other. 

Our lives are what we make of them.  We can choose to see the world as a place to fear, a place to hate, a place to be angry.  

Or not.  

Me?  

I choose to be happy.