Self Mirroring--Bees

Where will you be in 5 years? 10? 20?

So often we ponder where we want to be so we can plan ahead and get to those places. Let us not forget to reflect on where we WERE so we can learn from past mistakes, remember past loves, shake our heads at the places we have come from.

So...where was I, 5 years ago? 10? 20? (or 3, 21, & 38-ish)

Three years ago (3 years and 2 weeks, to be more precise...) I was recovering after being stung 50 times by Africanized Honey Bees. I am convinced that the quick thinking and superb care by Kathleen Katt are what kept me safe and on a quick road to recovery. I also think it was because I didn't freak out, stayed calm, and focused on keeping adrenaline from carrying more bee venom throughout my body. Possibly almost too well...at one point, Dr. Katt was worried that my blood pressure was too low.

Fast forward to 2014. I still, every-once-in-awhile, have my scalp swell a little, itch, and hurt. I think it is still a reaction to the bee attack as I'll feel small bumps in similar places to where they were after it first happened.

Jump back to 1993 (21 years ago). I was hiking on Wedding Cake Mountain (Hill?) in Rota. I was with my then husband (Steve Wright) and two of my cousins. We hiked up to the top, looked at the view, and started back down. As I was walking, I suddenly felt a sharp pain in my right leg. Then I felt another one! What the heck!? I got stung twice by bees on Rota. The cousins (both male) were having an intense discussion several yards away. Finally, the younger one looked like he lost whatever argument they were having and walked up to me, looking sheepish.

Shyly he said, "There's a local treatment for our bee stings."

"What is it?" I asked.

"Um...uh,...peeing on it," he said. He blushed and didn't want to meet my eyes.

I said, "Oh."

We hiked back down the hill, went home, told the rest of the family what happened, watching my leg swell to twice its normal size.

I took a Benedryl to help the swelling go down.

Today, I wish I'd peed on it, just to see what happened.


Make one more big jump back, 38-ish years. I was about 4 years old. We were at a fellowship gathering at someone's house after church. This person was a bee-keeper. All of us kids were hovering around the food (buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken) and joking that, "This bucket is mine! You can have that one!" and laughing at the thought of eating the entire bucket of chicken on our own.

A fly buzzed my forehead. I brushed it away and kept being silly with my friends. It buzzed my head again. Again, I brushed it away. Suddenly, I felt a sharp pain on my forehead. It was the worst thing I'd ever felt in my entire short life! I screamed and cried and swiped at my forehead, trying to make the pain stopped. My dad picked me up and figured out that it was a bee. Someone got some ice and Dad held it to my forehead. I eventually subsided to quiet sobs and tried to figure out how something so small could cause so much pain. On the upside, I got the first piece of chicken.


Now...

Normally I would ask myself where I see my self in the future (a practice of standing in the middle and looking both directions of my path). But. I think today, I'm just going to reflect on the past and just Be right here, right now.

V-Day Ruminations

(Originally posted: February 14, 2006; http://www.myspace.com/azginamarie/blog/87709974 )

V-Day Ruminitions

Friends of mine were in this year's Vagina Monologues here in Flagstaff.  I tried to go see the show, but totally forgot that it sells out every year...so, I didn't get to see it!  So, I went and sat in the Zane Grey, drank a beer (then a Gila Monster...."It's orange vodka, cranberry vodka, some other vodka, and a splash of something else"...that's what I remember the bartender saying...it was good)  Anyway, I sat there contemplating life, and suddenly realized I had something to write but nothing to write on (and no pen).  I asked the bartender if he had paper.  He gave me some of the register tape and a pen.  I wrote on both sides of it and asked for a bit more.  I wrote on both sides of that one too!  I found it pretty funny!  ANYWAY!!!  Here's the thoughts that were going through my head as I contemplated vaginas.  ...

We always hear about the angry vaginas.  But, what about the happy ones?

I was molested when I was 4-ish-years old by a 12-year old neighbor boy.  And this was a full on penis touching me molestation (no penetration, though).  Was it violent.  Not at all.  Was I ashamed of it?  For many, many years.  I knew it was "wrong" (we were by a window to make sure we would see if/when someone came into the house & I was admonished to "not tell anybody".) 

For most of my life I felt somehow responsible for that time.  I felt guilty for the sexual awareness that the experience awoke in me.  I felt guilty that I never told anyone.  But, I'm not angry.  Neither is my vagina.  Maybe I was at one time.  I can't remember.  Instead, I've decided that it's a part of who I am--it's an experience that has shared in the shaping of my life.

Am I happy it happened.  Not at all.  Am I angry that my childhood innocence was taken?  Not really.  A little sad, but not angry.  I've made my own peace with that experience.  

Life is too precious to give away my power by being angry.  Yes, there is power in anger, but there is a much stronger and more enduring power in forgiveness.  I won't forget what happened.  But, neither will I wrap myself around it in guilt and fear.  Nor will I nurture it while it festers into an all-consuming seed of anger that would eventually blossom into an all out self-righteous hatred of sensuousness, sexuality, and passion.

I will strive to make a world where NO CHILD has to fear for her safety; for a world where mothers don't have to think twice about who their daughter is with; for a world where men and women don't view themselves as combatants striving for supremacy but as caretakers of each other. 

Our lives are what we make of them.  We can choose to see the world as a place to fear, a place to hate, a place to be angry.  

Or not.  

Me?  

I choose to be happy. 

NERD!

This is what thefreedictionary.com says about nerds (and other words associated with nerds):

nerd also nurd  (nûrd)nerd (nɜrd)
n. Slang
1. A foolish, inept, or unattractive person.
2. A person who is single-minded or accomplished in scientific or technical pursuits but is felt to be socially inept.
[1950–55; of obscure origin]

dweeb  (dwb)
n. Slang
A person regarded as socially inept or foolish, often on account of being overly studious.
[Origin unknown.]

geek  (gk) Slang
n. Slang.
1. a peculiar person, esp. one who is overly intellectual.
2. an expert in computers (a term of pride as self-reference, but often considered offensive when used by outsiders.)
3. A person who is single-minded or accomplished in scientific or technical pursuits but is felt to be socially inept.
4. a carnival performer billed as performing bizarre acts, as biting off the head of a live chicken.
[1905–10; probably variant of geck (mainly Scots) fool < Dutch or Low German gek]


From a very young age, these original definitions were definitely me on some level or another.  Maybe not to the "unattractive" level (*I've* always thought I was pretty/attractive.  Is it my fault no one ever saw it, too?!)  But I was most definitely never in the "cool" corner.  So, I didn't even try.  

Well, I sort of tried, but not in any way, shape or form that ever really mattered.  If it was something *I* thought was cool, or interesting or just something I wanted to do, that's what I did.  Did it matter to me that others didn't think it was cool or that I was a weirdo for doing/thinking it?  No, not really.  I mean, of course it did at some point.  But, I got really good at hiding my emotions and not letting anyone know that what they thought affected me.  

I also got really good at being ULTRA co-dependent.  It made me happy to make sure everyone else was happy.  My happiness DEPENDED on other people not being uncomfortable, unhappy, or in need of anything.  For instance, one of my husbands (yes, I'm on my third one...) Anyway!  He would be drinking water.  I would be IN THE OTHER ROOM--reading or something--he would set his cup down on the coffee table.  I could hear the difference in the water level of the cup and would know when he needed his water refilled and would stop whatever I was doing to go refill his water.  He never asked me to, I just did it.  (I really didn't mind, but reciprocity would have been nice!)

Of course, some of that also came from having a dad who had a temper when I was little.  I got really good at not getting in trouble because I could tell when he was mad.  He grew out of it and eventually we could both argue--very loudly--without ever being mad at each other, but...it definitely affected me as a child.

ANYWAY.  
I was definitely a nerd.  

I loved reading.  Everything.  If there were words on it, I read it.  I loved learning new things.  I loved reading about learning about new things.  I loved going to school (granted, until 3rd grade, it was to talk to all the people in class!  I had a TON of homework when I was in 2nd grade.  My mom went to talk to Mrs. Stevens who said that I had plenty of time to complete my work in class...I just was always talking and not working, so had to take it home...)  

I've always liked comic books (before they were cool and known as "graphic novels").  And I've always been one to dress up (before it was "cool-ified" to "cosplay").  But, they've always been random things that I found interesting.  If I had known about (or, more accurately: had any money to be able to attend) comic-cons in whatever form when I was younger, I would have been the one that came up with my own costume and iteration of whatever I was dressing up as.  I would have been one saying, "Who says Superman has to be a man?"  Or "Who says WonderWoman has to have large lungs?"  I would have come up with my own interpretation of whatever it was I was dressing up as.  And I would have been incredibly happy with it.

I loved math.  Even despite Mrs. Dalegowski who mocked me for not knowing my multiplication facts during the first week of class---in front of everyone--while we were doing the chalk board math races.  I loved science.  I loved that math and science played on the same playground together!

I never thought much about "how do I use this in the real world".  I just loved being able to have a set of information and data, manipulate it and come up with something else.  I even ended up in Calculus my Senior year in high school.  Most everyone else in the class had plans on engineering or something.  But not me.  That's just where I ended up.  And I liked it.  I think I even got a B+ without tons of effort.  Yes, I worked on it.  But I didn't stress out over it.

I have always been a nerd.  And yes, I had the term thrown at me like a wet paper towel.  But, maybe that's where my social ineptness came in handy.  I didn't always get that those people were being assholes.  (Actually...I probably prayed for them, thinking back to the Gina of yester-year...)  Anyway.  I knew what I liked.  I enjoyed my own skewed window on the world.  I figured out how to be able to cope, get by, hold the pain tightly to me and change my own path to avoid those people who didn't want to know the real me, and never let the real me be quite seen.  By anyone.

I didn't (and still don't) have to buy the  latest who-si-whats-it to appreciate smartness, cleverness and intelligence.  I didn't have to have the latest cool stuff to learn cool things and accomplish interesting stuff (it would have been EASIER if I did.  Actually, I never had money to have what I needed, so..."poverty is the invention of inventiveness?"   I might not have been such a whiz with cardboard, paper, duct tape and paint!)

I traveled on my own solitary nerdy, geeky path.

And then today, nerd is the new cool.  

Well, then...

I guess since I've NEVER been cool...

YEEESSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FINALLY!!!  I am no longer a nerd!

I'm probably closer to a wacko or screwball...definitely an eccentric!  

But, no longer a nerd. 





The above post is prompted by this FB comment to a friend:  
Randomness: I periodically remember your survey about girls and comic books.  It's quite hilarious to me that I'm re-remembering things about me and comics since that survey.  I was definitely a comic girl.  Part of it came from reading EVERYTHING that I could ALL THE TIME.  I read them while they were still called "comic books" and not "graphic novels".  I was never one of the cool kids, and never got into dressing as characters or whatnot.  But then, I have been known to just dress up (costume or ultra-dressy) randomly for the heck of it...so, maybe I'm just a character!  (But, we all know the obviousness of THAT statement!)  Haha!  Anyway, thank you for including me in that survey.  It's reconnected me with pieces of me that were sitting on the shelf just waiting to be rediscovered.  :)

Standing

A FaceBook/Flagstaff acquaintance is going through a life-shattering, soul-crushing, grief-stricken experience.  His son died and he is right in the middle of getting all the memorial pieces pulled together, the family notifications, the continuing with "everyday life" that carries on even though we would prefer time to stop.

Throughout, he's posted his reflections, his mourning process, his shock.  The one that captured my attention the most is titled "Standing for Sam".  It is a raw admission of flaw and a strong declaration of future resolve: to be there in the capacity that his son will no longer be able to; to stand in his son's stead when it was something that his son would have stood up for; to fill the shoes of someone who wanted to make a difference in the world.

And it got me thinking.  

Who has affected me so much that I am willing to take up the mantle of making a difference in their name?  

And that got me thinking further.

We all have someone that has left us before we were quite ready for them to leave.  Death, distance, time, twists & turns of life.  For many and various reasons, we all have someone who made a huge impact on our lives but is no longer physically with us.  

So, what if we all stood for those people?  What if we actively said, "I will make a difference.  I will step in where that person is no longer able to.  I will put aside my own ego and make the world a better place."  What if we consciously took a moment to stop being in our own jerky heads, wanting everything to be how we think it should be...

and stopped...  

Just hit pause for 2-seconds and truly see--really hear--others around us.  

Then, take it a step further.  

What would happen if we all started seeing others as ourselves?  Instead of shying away from "undesirables", really seeing them.  Instead of shielding ourselves in our fortresses of solitude, letting others see us--our foibles, our darkness, our shortcomings, our incompleteness.  

What would happen when we truly saw others as ourselves and ourselves as others?  

We would gladly step up to stand for another. 

We would be able to humbly stand--with compassion, with love, without judgement--for ourselves.  

Shoulder-to-shoulder, hand-in-hand, heart-by-heart.

And so, my own resolve, my own declaration of standing:
I stand for my fathers, my mother, my sisters, my brothers
I stand for my grandparents, my aunts, my uncles, my cousins
I stand for love
I stand for peace
I stand for my ancestors
I stand for my descendants
I stand for others who want a better world for those that come after
I stand for those who are no longer able to stand
I stand for my friends
I stand for connecting to those around me
I stand for hugging twice
I stand for crying
I stand for laughing
I stand for compassion
I stand for those who have touched my life
I stand for those who've been impacted by me
I stand for you
I stand for me
I stand

Who will you stand for?

Gina's Season of MORE!

3.12.14
(category: Being Human): 
Today was an interestingly bittersweet day.  I took a cashier's check to Lozano's Mortuary to pay off the final piece of my dad's funeral.  A little bit surreal.  A little bit emotional.  A little bit relieved.  A little bit of regret.  Happy it was done.  Sad of the cause.  I love you, Bobby Byars.  I work every day to be as generous as you, as slightly irreverent as you, as enjoying of life as you, as excited about learning things as you.  May I have the courage to play the fool while pointing out the truths that need to be stated as you did.  May I have the strength to sing my songs at the top of my voice like you did.  May I honor you, my ancestor, my friend, my Dad. 

3.11.14
(category: laughter): 
I was remembering the hand cream called Bag Balm. I decided that if I was going to come up with a version if it, I'd want it to come in a squeezable udder-shaped bottle. And I'd call it "Under the Cow". I laughed for a full minute when I shared this with Scott.

3.10.14
(category: Hope): 
I have had the privilege of being auntie to some amazing young people.  They are smart, caring, passionate and genuinely nice people.  They give me much hope for the future of the world.  I hope that they know they can always count on me for support of their awesomeness.  Watch out, World, they're going to make amazing changes and make a difference in the Universe!   Andrea Harris Clifton Harris Alex Harris Wesley Bratt Tara Nicole Carlee Ann McKay Justin McKay, Trevor Harris Brandon Harris, Carter Harris Abel Harris.  You "kids" rock and inspire me to continue making the World a better place with my efforts, too.

3.9.14
(category: Joy, Laughter): 
Caterpillar Kisses.  What?  You don't know what caterpillar kisses are?  WELL!  They are an invention of mine that brought us much laughter this morning.  You've heard of butterfly kisses, of course--those light, feathery kisses produced by fluttering eyelashes against someone's cheek.  Caterpillar kisses are like that...except they use the eyebrows as the caterpillars.  They work the best when nestled in the crook of the neck, then waggling your eyebrows (and it's important that they are waggled and not wiggled).  Next up: learning the art of Exploding Kisses, an invention by Helen Muccitelli!

(category: Laughter): 
I'm very glad that I didn't try to exactly copy "Lenten season" by calling mine "Moren season"...

3.8.14
(categories: Love, Gratitude): 
I have a partner who I love dearly and am incredibly grateful to have in my life..  He listens and asks crucial questions that help me get to the bottom of what I'm processing.  He laughs with me at goofy things.  He holds me when I'm having emotional moments (sad or happy).  He gives me space when I need it.  We've been together only a year & a half, but the depths that we've traveled have been a lifetime of connection building.  I am so blessed to have Scott Godwin as my partner on this crazy adventure called life!

3.7.14
(category: Love)
WuChiKu reflections:  Life is flow.  Love is flow.  WuChiKu is an In-bodying of that flow.  To receive love, you must give love.  Be open to the flow.  Be open to the love.  Embrace.  Release. 

(categories: Food, Joy) 
For breakfast this morning, I feel like having lightly steamed, still slightly crunchy, asparagus sprinkled with a little salt.  YUM!  That will be followed by coffee and some left over dessert.  I love being an adult and choosing what I eat when!

(category: Laughter)
I crack myself up.  I woke up laughing this morning due to the last line of a dream.  "Jeez...make ONE little mistake...you accidentally call your girlfriend your live-in concubine..."

3.6.14
Today, I am grateful for family that will stand side-by-side with me, look challenges in the eye and then laugh with me once the challenge has been met.  I love my family--blood, acquired and on-purpose.

3.5.14
For "lent" I am not giving up anything.  I have decided that I am, instead, adding MORE to my life.  More Peace.  More Joy.  More Hope.  More Gratitude.  More time for myself.  More time with people I love.  More good/quality food.  More things that make me laugh.  More breath.  More light.  More darkness.  More LIFE!  I will be posting at least once a day of something that increases my peace, joy, hope or gratitude.

Birthday Blessings

Carpe Diem. -Horace
Carpe Parentes. -Alan Spiegler
Carpe Amor.  -GinaMarie

We are not assured of anything but right now. "Seize the Day!" Live your life with no regrets. Risk being happy. What do you have to lose?

Children, hug your parents.  Parents, hug your children.  We don't know how long we have with them. Cherish your time with them. Make memories to sustain you when they're gone.

When love comes to you, don't take it for granted.  Revel in it. Share it with others. Nurture it so it grows.

May 2014 be a year filled with love, happiness, laughter, experiences, joy and Be-ing.

Blessed Be!