12/22/11—Atheist Christian
I am a christian by upbringing, atheist by choice.
I was one of the militant religious who believed that it was my duty to make sure the entire world heard the Gospel of Jesus Christ. For the most part, I did it out of truly wanting to help people. I really believed that God would help people and change their lives. And I saw it happen. I saw people in dire situations “give their lives to God” and have peace and help in times of trouble.
Yet, at the same time, I never asked God to “prove that He was real”. And only recently, I realized it was because I was afraid that I wouldn’t get an answer. Actually, I *knew* I wouldn’t get an answer.
So, I’m having to re-evaluate my time as a Christian. How much was based on fear? How much was based on faith? How much was just general naïveté? How much was my need for connection with something outside of myself?
Since deciding that I’m an atheist, I’ve seen many in that circle who are rather militant about their atheism. On one hand, I understand their desire to educate the entire world; to “convert” people to rationality. I won’t be able to be one of them. I chose to not be a Christian because I didn’t agree with the path of “it’s my job to save the world”. AND because I find critical thinking, rationality and reasoning way more interesting and uplifting. I’ll share my views with people who are interested, but I am not on a mission to change their thought patterns. I’ll give my reasoning and encourage them to look beyond their own little pea brain, but, they will have to come to their own conclusions and convictions. If they are wrong, irrational and foolish, I can’t control that. All I can control and be responsible for is my own actions.
When I chose to be an atheist, I realized that THEN I could be “good for goodness sake”. Not out of love of some unseen entity. Not out of fear of hell-fire and eternal damnation. Not out sense of duty or responsibility to a greater reward when I died. I care for my fellow human beings, for my community, for the world we live in because I want to make a better world for the future. I want those who come after me to be able to build upon what I have done (not have to tear it all down and start all over.)
My parents are still Christians. I don’t try and change their minds or convert them to my view of the world. At first, I would debate with them about the existence of hell (that was what started my journey into atheism). And try and get them to see how much better it was to know there wasn’t a hell! There is no changing their mind. So, when I took the final step into full-fledged atheism, I knew there would be no discussion with them. But, I’m okay with that. I don’t want to change who they are. They are the two Christians in my life who have CONSISTANTLY lived what they preached: care for others less fortunate, love others, feed the hungry, house the indigent. I will not insist that their surety of why they do what they do match mine. They, in their way, are working to make the world a better place.
Do I wish they would be able to put down the fear that I know is in the back of their mind? Yes, of course I do. But, I know that it would change their entire world view and I don’t know how they would handle that. Imagine the “there’s no Santa” stories if the child believed it for 60+ years and THEN found out? I will not be that life-shattering person.
Funny thing, to me…I never believed in Santa. I was 3 and asked my mom if there was a Santa. She replied, “What do you think?” I replied, “I think those presents from Santa are from Grandma Lambert.” She told me I was right and I never believed in Santa. How is it that I believed in God for so long, though?
I do still think that everything in the universe is connected.
Do I think there is a benevolent being that watches over us and cares about what happens in our lives? No. Do I think that there is a vengeful being that will punish anyone who doesn’t accept his way of continuing life & into the afterlife? No. Do I believe that people are gullible? Yes. Do I believe that people need some connection with community or “other” outside of themselves? Yes.
I do still think that everything in the universe is connected at some level. I’ve seen too many “miracles” and healings to think that there is NOTHING anywhere.
But I think there are rational reasons for those things and I look forward to the day they can be explained.
I may never hear the explanations, but I still anticipate the day that we understand.
