I've always been a little awkward. I’m 5’7” tall. While that makes
me an inch too short to be a runway model, it makes me taller than the “average
woman” by 3-4 inches. It has been that way my entire life. I wasn’t ever the
tallest girl in class, but I was definitely bigger than many of them.
Buying clothes was always difficult because of being tall and thin. I’d find
jeans that fit my waist and they would be too short. I’d find ones that were
long enough and they would fall off of me. I got really good at not really
caring what my clothes were. (Or really good at acting like I didn’t care and
eventually believing my own acting!)
In any case, being “bigger” than a lot of kids made me self-conscious and
definitely awkward. Then came puberty. If I hadn’t felt awkward BEFORE then, it
would have definitely kicked in then. My menstrual cycles began and they were
anything but normal. My cycles were flipped: bleed for 20 days, then a week or
so of not. There were periods of time that I had to wear a tampon and a pad
just to keep from bleeding out. And Junior High bathrooms are not the most
conducive places for feeling comfortable about yourself when you’re losing
blood and need to dispose of something in a discreet manner.
I was raised in a church culture that preached that a woman’s cycles and cramps
and bleeding and pain during childbirth were all because of her disobedience to
God. And it was a woman’s fault that we were all kicked out of the Garden of
Eden. Great. Add shame to the awkward puberty bloodiness.
Then…there were the social interactions. I experienced my first REAL crush:
heart palpitations, sweaty palms, flushed skin…that boy made my heart skip!
Jeez…One more addition: crushes, shame, awkward puberty. Blood. Just wait. It
gets more awkward, because there are more social interactions!
Hanging out with the other girls…the petite, perfect hair, well applied makeup,
fashiony-fashion, perky girls…I just felt like a lanky, dorky dork. Being
taller than a lot of the girls, not that great at figuring out fashion and the
general dorkiness of being made me feel…awkward. I would get all tongue tied
and feel like a lumbering oaf much of the time. I thought I was hilarious and
had some funny things to share, but feeling like a lout definitely kept most of
my comments to myself.
Needless to say…I was glad when I graduated and went to college.
College for me was not a hot-bed of experimentation and exploration. Well, not
completely. Refer back to the how I was raised. Instead of experimenting, I got
married. And then I met another man that I fell in love with. Shit. I didn’t
even know I had the capacity to love two people at the same time in the same
way. Definitely. Awkward. Especially not being able to talk to one about the
other.
Jump ahead several years. The affair was over. So was the marriage. I had a
couple of boyfriends since then. I had tried to share some of the fantasies
that were in my head with them, in particular that I wondered what it would be
like to be with a woman. One boyfriend just didn’t seem to comprehend that.
Uh…what do you say when your lover looks at you as if you’re just a tad
delusional? Again…awkward.
Then, I went on a swing cruise. A swing DANCE, cruise. Not a swingers cruise.
But the funny part about that…there were three of us who met at that cruise and
who stayed in contact after the cruise. And, well, one thing led to another and
we decided we should have a threesome. Now, here’s a tip to lower the level of
awkwardness for the first time on something like this: make some things a game.
For instance, we made a rule that whenever we came into the apartment, the last
one out of their clothes was a rotten egg. It made the awkwardness of getting
undressed around 2 mostly acquaintances less so.
In any case…it was fun, it was fulfilling, it was exciting and alluring and
heart pounding and laughter filled and really the best first experience that
could have been had.
So, there I am, in the
middle of making out with two other people, and I think, "Oh. I’m
attracted to women, too. Duh. I guess that means I’m bi-sexual. OK."
Oh. Oh! OOOoohh! High school suddenly made WAY more sense. When I had physical
reactions to males, I understood it was because I liked them, had a crush on
them. When I had those same reactions to females, I just chalked it up to my
own general goofiness and insecurities. It hadn’t even crossed my mind that
there could be such a possibility. My body knew even if my brain didn't. I had
physiological reactions to PEOPLE. I was attracted to people.
So, jump ahead several more years and I’m sharing my awkward story here. What’s
the point of it all? At the very least, I can reflect on what I’ve learned
about being me.
From my awkwardness, I learned to be myself in uncomfortable situations. I
learned to be comfortable enough with myself to be able to help others feel
less awkward themselves. I learned to be willing to take a risk, to look a fool
and truly embrace who I am. I learned about my capacity to give and receive
love.
I’ve learned that Who I am is not dictated by who I am Attracted to. Who I am
attracted to is not necessarily an indicator of who I fall in love with. And
Who I love is not bound by the edicts and guidelines that tie me to the past.
And while I used to think I was just awkward, I’ve learned that I’m just me.
